Why Vampires are Completely Overated: A Rant

vampiresI look at him, his whole body sparkling in the daylight, before he plunges his cold fangs into my neck. I am now a vampire, doomed to a life of boredom with my new vampire boyfriend. There you have it, folks, the entire plot of almost every vampire love story. In the midst of my Dreaded Book Tag, in which I have to read novels I despise like Twilight, I have realized the utter uselessness of vampires. What kind of idiot decided that, of all the amazing monsters spawned from human creativity, vampires were the perfect creatures to romanticize?! If it were up to me, I would say that ghosts should take the place of these idiotic nocturnal creatures. I mean, at least ghosts are somewhat frightening and can do a lot more than a vampire. Vampires just sound like some overactive puppies, and although I love puppies, I wouldn’t read a whole novel dedicated to them! What even is the allure to vampires these days? Do teenagers find their pale skin and abnormal teeth attractive? And if so, why then do teens spend so much money on fake tanners and braces?! Why would anyone even romanticize a creature who craves human blood? Why don’t we just romanticize mosquitoes instead? At least they’re real! I don’t know how vampires came to be known as seductive. If you have ever seen how vampire teeth are supposed to look like?! They’re canine’s are so big that they would definitely have lisps! I don’t know about you, but I would NEVER find a lisp seductive. I guess that vampire women might be cute because of their blood-red lips or whatever, but on vampire men it probably just looks like lipstick, which might be a huge turn-off.

In conclusion, vampires are pointless, mostly unattractive, and definitely not the scariest creature ever conjured by human imagination. Writers need find new monsters to romanticize, because these blood-suckers are pretty boring.

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